insomnia strikes again

I highly doubt this will interest anyone so do both of us a favor and please stop while your ahead.

Once again its late and im still wide awake. Only difference this time around is that its not dance or video games or blogs keeping me up. The past couple days have been very different. Not it terms of the events that have been happening, but more along the lines of the way ive been feeling about my life. Honestly I have no idea where im going with this, but with so much on my mind and no way to effectively communicate it, I cant help but to write things down. Maybe itll help me later or maybe it will just put things into perspective. Recent experiences, situations, and feelings, have got me thinking a little too much. All emo ness aside, I haven’t been truly happy in a while. Things happen and im able to take my mind off the bad, but only long enough to get me by. Although I find my problems almost unexplainable, I cant help but to question myself into feeling this way. Why do I feel this way? Why am I scared? Why are things the way they are? Why do I allow them to be that way? Why haven’t I done what it takes to get things the way I want them to be? In my opinion ive fallen short of many things I have envisioned for myself as a whole. I can look back and see the good I have done, but I still question if even my greatest accomplishments are enough to make me feel ok. This uneasy feeling is making it hard for me to strive and do things that I really want to do. Not simple things that deal with short and long term goals, but the things that I really, really want to do. Things that I know are not the best for the situations im in, but the things that I think will make me happy. I take that back maybe doing these things will make me happy and it is these things I need to do the get me back on track. I really hope that its the coming of this new year that has got me all bugged out. If that is the case then i know what I have to do and how I have to do it. A fresh start is less than 24 hours away. 2010 will be the start of a new lifestyle that will bring me closer to the bar I know I am capable of. I guess its time to stop asking why and start asking why not in the opposite direction. I need a positive out look to motivate me during this difficult time. Im only going to get there by pushing myself towards that direction. I am capable of so many things and its not fair to consciously hurt myself by falling short of these things. Sounds like its go time. All I can do now is keep my eyes on the prize and dig for the strength to keep me going. I guess I will be making my first ever new years resolution. It will probably be more like a list, but its time to do what I have to do.